Twenty’s twenty: Excerpts from my Journal
4 min readMay 4, 2022
- Every day, dada cooks for me. As he begins to prep the meat, I measure out the correct amount of water for the perfect amount of rice for two. I have perfected this art, if I may add. We each open a bottle of beer and sit on a couch in front of a massive TV for hours, watching anything and everything dada claims to be interesting. Each time, I enjoy what I get to see. If this isn’t as good as it gets, what is there really?
- I never dreamed of the “New York City” like most do. It was like any other city in the world to me: a little pretty, and a lot foreign. Yet, wandering the streets of NY high as fuck with someone who has dreamed of living amongst the very chaos that the city is, you start accepting her flaws. She seems beautiful now. Almost nothing feels foreign.
- There aren’t many days I appreciate the body that I have. Most days? I despise it. Today’s different. Today, I feel like accepting all the spots in my arms, the rolls on my stomach, the hair on my legs, every flab I have. I hope I get to feel like this more often.
- Who doesn’t long to do nothing for days on end? and yet we are so engrossed in the psychology of routines that if a friend spends a week doing nothing but watching a season of HIMYM a day, I would have told them that they deserved it. But I don’t.
- Baba always told me I was extremely lucky. “Everything always works out for you”, he would say. Truth is, it works out for everyone.
- I used to believe in destiny too much to also believe in the idea of a “right person, wrong time”. But like any other phenomenon, destiny is flawed and we bear its consequences.
- I know ten years from now I can’t call vedu with every little inconvenience in my life. No more homemade lunch at yastu’s while we bask in the warm Kathmandu sun. No more petting lilo on the balcony as karu and riaz make a joint. No more failed sneak-in’s. No more discord among us. No more parties at Devalaya. No more May 5 jokes. No more 25k bills.
- Recently, most of my post smoke-up thoughts revolve around reminiscing the past and appreciating how far I’ve come. 11 year old Batshala would be proud.
- Aside from the necessities, the only thing I brought with me to London was a $1 frailly framed photograph of the Brooklyn Bridge. A memento from a happy week in my life. As I struggle with all of the changes this semester, this little piece of paper offers me the comfort that my life will return to being calmer and more stable, and that I should make the most of this opportunity, however scary it may seem.
- Juggling your identity as an introvert to an extrovert and vice versa is a rollercoaster that will make you puke in the end.
- I’m grateful to have lived in an era where a show like Euphoria teaches me the best way to deal with an addict, through forgiveness.
- I thought I was a strong person, but I was mistaken. When you’re lying in a bed in a hotel in Southampton, all alone, choking on your own cough, your body shaking from the fever, and brawling your eyes out, you know you’ve got no real strength.
- How can I keep track of everything Malcom X accomplished, how to cite in APA 7th edition, who said what in all presidential debates, AND what foundation shade matches my skin? I’m lost.
- I’ve been hearing a lot of people claiming to be tired of others pulling away, changing their minds, not knowing what they want. I say it’s okay to not know what you want, it’s okay to have relationships that don’t last and it’s also okay to get hurt. Find people who will help you grow, AND people who will make you realize you deserve better because every experience, every relationship you have in your life will benefit you. To everyone who has left my life, everyone who is currently in my life and will eventually leave, and everyone who is yet to come and leave: I hope I’ve taught you life lessons and created memories that will stay with you regardless of whether I do.
- Today, I feel worn out, sick and in question of my existence. I want to believe that it eventually gets better and I bet it will, but maybe this awareness is what makes me a better version of myself. I ponder then, that if I make peace with the area between the black and white that I so despise, will I lose this very awareness that I’m so proud of? OR, on the contrary, to be okay with everything that happens outside of your control, maybe the sole thing you need to do is make peace with the grey.
- Good things aren’t supposed to end.
- Good things end.
- We met each other at a time when both our souls needed it the most. That time is gone now; we’ve healed from the things that haunted us. It was with you that I overcame the petty fears that restricted me. You accepted me. You encouraged me. While it wasn’t too good to be true, it was surely worthy of a thank you.
- We preach about a “just” world. So if we cause someone pain in this world, do we have to suffer equally? Or do we get away with being another screwed up human being trying to move past our very own pain?
- Grateful for a solid group of friends and family I can thrive with, onto 21.
